James Wigderson demonstrates that no currently proposed cuts in government are nearly enough:

Thanksgiving is such a happy time for almost all of us. But over at the Wisconsin Department of Military Affairs (DMA), they’re at DefCon 1, awaiting Turkey Armageddon. Since there is little chance of an attack by Canada this year, the DMA has issued a warning about one of America’s favorite holidays: Thanksgiving will kill you.

“ReadyWisconsin wants you and your family to be safe. Following these simple tips during the Thanksgiving weekend can save you from heartaches, headaches and potential dangers.”

Thanks to the Ghost of Bob LaFollette, we have a state government agency to save us from the Turkey invasion. I’m sure the entire state government swung into action when a wild turkey hit a power line and knocked power near Sheboygan recently. Fortunately it appears to have been a rogue turkey element and not a coordinated attack.

DMA warns that driving on Thanksgiving can be really dangerous. They suggest you check with another state agency, the Department of Transportation (DOT), to see which roads are safe. Unfortunately, the DOT does not have a listing of all of the roundabouts they created so the circles of death may be just over the next hill.

DMA also suggests keeping at least a half a tank of gas in your vehicle at all times. Some people see the tank as half-full, but the pessimists at DMA see the tank as half-empty. You could die if you get trapped going round and round on a roundabout and the gas runs out, leaving you with no heat.

Should you be lucky enough to survive the trip to Grandma’s house (less likely to be impersonated by a wolf thanks to the new hunting season), Grandma’s cooking could kill you.

“Each year more than 4,000 fires occur on Thanksgiving Day.”

If 4,000 fires sounds like a lot, it is. Thanksgiving is such a deadly disaster that the Federal Emergency Management Association (FEMA) took a moment from hurricane relief to create its own website for Thanksgiving fires. However, FEMA says there are only 2,000 residential fires each year. The peak time for these fires is between noon and 1:00 PM, with most of the fires occurring before 4:00 PM. That means after the second football game kickoff you can relax with the pumpkin pie without fear. …

The DMA, with all of the resources of the state government behind it, has some other sound cooking advice, including such gems as, “Set timers to keep track of turkeys and other food items that require extended cooking times.” Cooking until the smoke alarm goes off is frowned upon. …

The DMA’s ReadyWisconsin website does encourage people to click a link to learn more safety tips for surviving the homicidal holiday known as Thanksgiving, but the link refers us back to the original list of safety tips.

Should you keep cans of gasoline next to the stove? Should you trust your drunken brother-in-law with the electric carving knife? What kind of eye protection is needed when pulling apart the wishbone? You’ll just have to figure these things out on your own. Unless, of course, we give the state DMA more money to answer these questions.

First: Someone has messed up the math, because if there are “2,000 residential fires each year,” 4,000 of them cannot occur on Thanksgiving Day.

The biggest point here is the warped priorities of our government and “mission creep” under the guise of “homeland security.” (Which started in the George W. Bush administration.) It would be a nefarious terrorist plot indeed if terrorists succeeded in setting 4,000 kitchen fires tomorrow. Perhaps terrorists created the fog that has socked in much of Wisconsin this morning.

Wisconsin has an Army and Air National Guard. Wisconsin also has a Department of Veterans Affairs. So why does the state need a Department of Military Affairs? Is Gov. Scott Walker secretly planning an invasion to get back upper Michigan? Is there nowhere else in state government to house the Division of Emergency Management? And what exactly is the difference between emergency government and homeland security?

I conclude from the news release Wigderson quotes that there apparently is not enough to do in the Department of Military Affairs if it is sending out news releases about the dangers of Thanksgiving. That is an insult to those serving our country overseas, those who will not be spending Thanksgiving at home with their family. That is also an insult to those who served, and died for our country, before them.

Of the things I am thankful for on Thanksgiving, our government is none of them.